• ♡ life

    Who am I? – part one

    Who am I? It might seem like a question on top of an introductory “About Me” page. I have one of those. Spoiler: this is not it. Who am I? is literally a question that I ask myself every day. For about two years, I am struggling with my mental health again. That means I was pretty much ‘okay’ for about two years since I got many (many) tests done and started tailored therapy in the Netherlands. The health specialists there diagnosed me with several things that can be merged under the term depression. At first, I thought I might have an attention deficit disorder, but turns out I was…

  • cute little begonia in bloom
    ♡ life

    hi, I’m back.

    Hello. For someone who has had an online blog since what, twenty years? I’ve also taken the most and the longest breaks. Long time no see.  This saying works both literally and figuratively, in our case. This year, 2020, has been a crazy ride for all of society so far, and the way of life as we knew it is gone… But even before all the pandemic sanctions, I had taken some distance from people. First on social media, I deleted the facebook app on my phone and then I got locked out of instagram, and this shut me off of online contact. In a way I was grateful for…

  • best vegan hazelnut choco cake
    ♡ life

    December 9

    I usually write on this blog on the very last day of the year. In the past few years I had either saved up some words and published them together, or I just let my mind let out what it needed to on that date. As I was still searching what I really wanted, because I was unsure about everything to do with this website (did I want a blog? a portfolio? what would be its focus? writing, or photography, a mix of both by posting about Lolita fashion, or maybe I could focus on vegan food, post travel adventures, perhaps a mix of all of the above, which is…

  • a happy little family and a premie baby [spoiler alert: the baby is me]
    ♡ life

    goodbye to another year

    The last day of the year. Well, the Gregorian calendar year, because the Tzolkin is halfway and that’s only two ways to measure a year. Still. Widely spread, today is the last day of the year. And traditionally, when we’re at the end of things, we reflect. It’s a fun tradition. I started my own tradition on this blog, years ago, to reflect on the year, trying many different things. I broke up the year in months, added photos, made lists, mostly wrote short snippets about highlights. Then, I started to reflect more in writing. I picked December 31st as my day for writing, not just because it’s the last…

  • the holy trinity side by side
    ♡ life

    getting over the impossible past

    2012. On The Impossible Past. I’m mourning two very significant relationships in this period. But I also just started dating M then, so that’s what the more upbeat songs spoke to me about. I’ve been having a horrible time. I’ll never find anything again. I’ll fuck it up. Happiness is just a moment. Don’t underestimate the aftershocks of ending an almost seven-year relationship. Yet it helps to have someone there to hold your hand as you go through new life, new places, new people. The Menzingers became ‘our thing’. 2014. Rented World. Throw in AFI’s Burials and Bayside’s CULT and of course Trio’s My Shame Is True and mix together…

    Comments Off on getting over the impossible past
  • thundersnow bath bomb
    ♡ life

    let’s have a talk

    Okay, that’s it, I have decided. Screw the whole “not being too personal on the internet” thing. You know my name, you’ve seen my face. Some of my most personal musings are out here already, and it’s helping me grow. I’m still cautious not to share too much about other people, but I’ve got stories to tell. One of my goals this year is to write more. Since I’m better with personal stuff – and don’t really write fiction anymore, anyway – here I am. I’m ready to talk. I’m learning things lately. I’m learning that it’s actually really healthy to talk to the ex-partner of the person that you…

  • ♡ life

    Things I learned in 2017

    I am surrounded by beautiful radiant souls that are supportive and worthy of support [cis] [white] [straight] [male] privilege is gross and needs to be abolished change is inevitable have no tolerance for bullshit address toxic and problematic behaviour leave behind toxic situations as fast as you can if it doesn’t change nobody is an island work on the things that need to happen [being proactive pays off] love fully and without regret, but don’t lose sight of your boundaries SAY NO TO MANIPULATIVE BULLSHIT communicate open and honestly trust no boy who says his ex is “a crazy [evil] [immature] bitch” practice radical self-care some people do not deserve…

  • ♡ life

    perception and intention

    Lately I’ve been thinking, what is public perception, and how do we react to someone else’s perception of ourselves? These thoughts didn’t just crop up out of nowhere. They’ve been present ever since I struggled with how personal to get on this very space [see my last two posts] and got aggravated by recent incidents that got me thinking about a similar discourse a good few years ago. I used to date someone who was an English Language and Literature student and they introduced me to the idea of the death of the author. It comes from an essay by Barthes in the sixties of the previous century and it…

  • ♡ life

    I’ll be fine

    It’s funny that I had decided to write more, and I had written something, and it was sitting in my drafts waiting to be posted. [It was ready to be posted! This is a big deal.] And then life just did its thing and I am keeping it in my drafts because I have to rewrite it. Edit out the bits I don’t feel anymore. Edit out the things that are no longer true. And while I said I didn’t want to edit too much anymore, I also said I didn’t know how personal to get, not too personal, yet not too edited. So, lesson learned? This thing happens where…

  • ♡ life

    my online journal

    Hi. Long time no blog. Many things have happened since I last posted something. Many things even happened since I first posted something. On here, but I’m also talking about the very first incarnations of this online journal thing. I realised something. Since I started my very first online journal, more than half my life ago, there have been many things that I wanted to post about, but simply did not have the time or courage for. Sharing things is complicated. Having a private online journal is all fair and well. In the good old days of greatestjournal and livejournal we knew who was reading what. We’d post very regularly,…

  • photo by © Anita Gigante photography
    ♡ life

    post-breakup thoughts.

    [[these are my final thoughts on this mess of a year that I wrote in a document whenever I was near my computer, which isn’t very often lately… there are probably good things that happened this year. I haven’t been in the mood to focus on them. maybe some other time. in the mean time, thanks for reading my blog, hope it gets more fun next year. have a nice end of the year and thanks for the support, you know who you are, I love you, xoxo.]]   December 20th, 2016. This year has been a whirlwind, to say the least. It’s a bit of a cliché, but my life…