Hello. For someone who has had an online blog since what, twenty years? I’ve also taken the most and the longest breaks. Long time no see.
This saying works both literally and figuratively, in our case. This year, 2020, has been a crazy ride for all of society so far, and the way of life as we knew it is gone… But even before all the pandemic sanctions, I had taken some distance from people. First on social media, I deleted the facebook app on my phone and then I got locked out of instagram, and this shut me off of online contact. In a way I was grateful for it, because scrolling through instgram was getting me down a lot. This was nothing to do with others, and everything to do with my own self esteem and mental health, so I decided not to log back in for a while.
Even if I was voluntarily shutting myself off in the online world, I was still surrounding myself with social contact through work and friends. And then I became a recluse in real life, because my life as I knew it shut me out and I just shut myself in. I didn’t really see many friends or family for months. Then, the pandemic happened.
I really think most people haven’t heard from me in over a year.
I am both sorry and not sorry. I am sorry because I missed out on a lot of big things happening in your lives and I wasn’t there for support, help or cheering on. However, I am also not sorry, because I really needed that time for myself.
I know I am not quite there yet, but I think I have found the motivation to become a more balanced person in real life and this helps me to figure out a way for me to have a healthy relationship with my presence online.
So. I’m back. I think.
My apologies in advance if I feel the need to disappear again, from time to time. But that’s not the plan. I’ve decided I want to blog more often again. I want to be in control of my content, yes, but I do want to create. I’ve missed it. In my absence, I kept writing in my journal daily, for pretty much a feel year. Every day I would jot down anything and everything, first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, during the quarantine this habit slipped. But writing daily really does help, and I figure maybe it might also be helpful to someone else out there, to relate? So while I’m on my own path to recovery, it’s always nice to know you’re not alone, so why not use this platform? I’ve already had it for many years… time to use it.
I’m really good at putting things off “until…”. For example, I will not say anything until I’m actually sure that it’s the right thing or right time to say it. I will not do the dishes, until there are enough of them. I will not use this sticker until I have the perfect place to stick it. The laundry won’t get done, until it’s the weekend, cause electricity rates are cheaper then. I will not fertilize this plant until it’s this arbitrary date. I will not post this picture until I’ve edited it. (Hi, to all my frustrated friends because I haven’t edited photos in twenty years, I am so sorry.) I will not post a blog, until I figure out what I even want to do with my blog.
Ah, the pressure I’m putting myself under with this mindset is ridiculous. Not to mention, it’s not good for plant care, hahaha. So I’m shedding this mindset bit by bit.
Sometimes, it’s just easier and better to do things in the moment, instead of waiting for perfection. Because perfection doesn’t exist! I have NO idea why my brain works like this, but I do know that this mindset has given me so much trouble. It’s tough to retrain a brain after so much time… but I am determined to try! So hi, I’m back. No, I still don’t have a focus. Whatever.
[wanna take bets how long I can keep it up this time? lol.]