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Vlogmas 2020 ♡ Day 3
This was a day of a loooot of cooking!! Still going strong, sorry for the backlog in editing, but hopefully my introductory story at the start of the video explains that a little bit as well. See you soon!
Vlogmas 2020 ♡ Day 2
Welcome back again, it’s day two of Vlogmas! I’m so proud I didn’t completely give up after one day. I even got Dee to help me film my outfit! ♡ By the way, it’s now [by the time of posting] December 7th, and I’ll let you in on the fact that I have been filming every day so far! Please let me know any feedback you might have, by leaving me a comment here or on Youtube. Also I’m very curious to the answers on some of the things I’ve asked in this video… turns out I had quite a few, haha. Oh and please subscribe to my new channel, it would really help me out! See you soon!
Vlogmas 2020 ♡ Day 1
Sooo many years [and attempts…] later, I am BACK to try my hand at Vlogmas. Remember, that thing I did ages ago? And then my computer crashed and I had videos but just… never uploaded them. And then I got a special camera to try again and it failed. And then I was too busy. And then I was too sad. [In 2017 I literally filmed every day and I just never edited or uploaded anything. Story of my life. So many unfinished projects. I’m working on getting better at that!] So, let’s just try this again. I wasn’t really sure what I would be doing, at first I wanted to plan some things and then I figured… well, that’s just not what life is, right? We’ll just go day by day, and see what happens! [I also said I wasn’t gonna edit much, and then I got a bit overboard, so I know, I know, it’s a bit late, but I think what counts is that I had fun doing it and being a few days late is arbitrary, right?] I’m just happy that I feel confident and excited enough to try again. I’m very glad to see you along for the ride! Let’s have a fun time together, shall we?
Who am I? – part one
Who am I? It might seem like a question on top of an introductory “About Me” page. I have one of those. Spoiler: this is not it. Who am I? is literally a question that I ask myself every day. For about two years, I am struggling with my mental health again. That means I was pretty much ‘okay’ for about two years since I got many (many) tests done and started tailored therapy in the Netherlands. The health specialists there diagnosed me with several things that can be merged under the term depression. At first, I thought I might have an attention deficit disorder, but turns out I was just so sad, my brain didn’t want to function. Starting a task was really hard, remembering things was hit or miss, and keeping my concentration was next to impossible. For ease of talking about that, I am just using depression as my previous illness, and burnout as my current one. What happened? Moving to Belgium and living by myself improved my quality of life a lot. I had structure, a regular job and steady income. My social network was stable, my friends were close by and I often went out to social activities. This was a time where everything was ‘on the up and up’. I was taking care of a lot of things that I had struggled with in the first two decades of my life. My therapist said it was okay to quit therapy, and the reason was that I was doing better. I was glad it wasn’t simply because traveling back and forward to the Netherlands for sessions proved quite difficult at times. A year and a half later, I got an offer to start another chapter in my career. At the start of my work journey, I had had my up and downs, if I have to be honest. However, that year and a half in Antwerp really stabilized both my life and my work, and I was genuinely happy to be learning and working so hard. I grew a lot in a very short time! (Both mentally and professionally, I was honestly impressed with my own growth.) I was not afraid of risks or possibilities, as in the two years previously, I had learned that change was good and helped me grow. A new chapter of change At first, the change seemed obvious and exciting. My new job was hard, of course. Luckily, I’m not scared of a challenge. It’s one of the reasons that I took the job in the first place. More changes came, gradually and silently. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed. Most of the time, I tried to stay positive. Optimistic and ambitious people surrounded me, the atmosphere of hope almost managed to mask the negativity. I’m forever grateful for many beautiful moments and memories, and the wonderful opportunities and people that I got to meet because of this time in my life. Unfortunately, it felt like an impossible task to have the pros outweigh the cons. I felt unheard, unseen, and in the mean time I was giving so much (too much) of my time, energy and effort without getting something in return that justified the sacrifices I’d made. After a year of pulling and pushing, many ups and downs, literal sweat and tears… Those close around me forced me to the conclusion that the situation wasn’t healthy. More importantly, I wasn’t healthy. Unfortunately, this decline had been happening for quite some time and the damage was done. Regretfully, I made mistakes. One mistake ended up costing me my job. At least, that’s the official story. The unofficial story is a bit more complicated, but it’s also not my place to write that on a public blog. We can talk about it in private, if you ever wish. Together with my doctor, I figured that I needed a break from work, because I was clearly overworked. I was so overworked that my old depression symptoms were too prominent to ignore, and I was making mistakes I wouldn’t normally make. The doctor diagnosed me with depression and burnout. I started taking medication for the first time in my life. Long story short, at the end of October 2019 I went home on sick leave. Two days later, I was no longer welcome to come back to work. This was a shock to my system, to say the least. It has now almost been a year and I’ve still not fully processed it. My first big question after the initial shock, was of course: What now? As it turns out, I have no idea what, because I am still sick. That is why this is a part one. Because I’m learning a lot of new things about myself, about life, about work and about the world, while I am out of a job. As always when facing hardships, I’m trying to be strong. Moreover, I’m learning that it’s okay not to always be strong. At the beginning of this year, I re-started therapy. I am very happy that I took that step, and it helps a lot. Of course, I’m sad that I didn’t start sooner. It was hard to recognize the symptoms when they first started, and I regret that a lot. I’m bitter because I let myself get overwhelmed again. I fought so hard, I worked really hard for such a long time. Sadly, I could not win in this situation. My therapy heavily revolves around identity. On one hand, this is because my depression is linked to my identity disorder. On the other hand, it’s also because I tied so much of my identity to my work. It literally felt as if my future was taken away from me. That’s not healthy. As I move forward, I have to ask myself the question: Who am I? This is a frustratingly difficult question to answer. The world is literally on fire. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Everybody struggles at the moment. Not just on emotional levels, like I am. Things are constantly changing on so many levels. I am not even sure what the state of things will be in a week or so. I hope to clear this up a bit more in part two. Thank you for reading, and see you there.
hi, I’m back.
Hello. For someone who has had an online blog since what, twenty years? I’ve also taken the most and the longest breaks. Long time no see. This saying works both literally and figuratively, in our case. This year, 2020, has been a crazy ride for all of society so far, and the way of life as we knew it is gone… But even before all the pandemic sanctions, I had taken some distance from people. First on social media, I deleted the facebook app on my phone and then I got locked out of instagram, and this shut me off of online contact. In a way I was grateful for it, because scrolling through instgram was getting me down a lot. This was nothing to do with others, and everything to do with my own self esteem and mental health, so I decided not to log back in for a while. Even if I was voluntarily shutting myself off in the online world, I was still surrounding myself with social contact through work and friends. And then I became a recluse in real life, because my life as I knew it shut me out and I just shut myself in. I didn’t really see many friends or family for months. Then, the pandemic happened. I really think most people haven’t heard from me in over a year. I am both sorry and not sorry. I am sorry because I missed out on a lot of big things happening in your lives and I wasn’t there for support, help or cheering on. However, I am also not sorry, because I really needed that time for myself. I know I am not quite there yet, but I think I have found the motivation to become a more balanced person in real life and this helps me to figure out a way for me to have a healthy relationship with my presence online. So. I’m back. I think. My apologies in advance if I feel the need to disappear again, from time to time. But that’s not the plan. I’ve decided I want to blog more often again. I want to be in control of my content, yes, but I do want to create. I’ve missed it. In my absence, I kept writing in my journal daily, for pretty much a feel year. Every day I would jot down anything and everything, first thing in the morning. Unfortunately, during the quarantine this habit slipped. But writing daily really does help, and I figure maybe it might also be helpful to someone else out there, to relate? So while I’m on my own path to recovery, it’s always nice to know you’re not alone, so why not use this platform? I’ve already had it for many years… time to use it. I’m really good at putting things off “until…”. For example, I will not say anything until I’m actually sure that it’s the right thing or right time to say it. I will not do the dishes, until there are enough of them. I will not use this sticker until I have the perfect place to stick it. The laundry won’t get done, until it’s the weekend, cause electricity rates are cheaper then. I will not fertilize this plant until it’s this arbitrary date. I will not post this picture until I’ve edited it. (Hi, to all my frustrated friends because I haven’t edited photos in twenty years, I am so sorry.) I will not post a blog, until I figure out what I even want to do with my blog. Ah, the pressure I’m putting myself under with this mindset is ridiculous. Not to mention, it’s not good for plant care, hahaha. So I’m shedding this mindset bit by bit. Sometimes, it’s just easier and better to do things in the moment, instead of waiting for perfection. Because perfection doesn’t exist! I have NO idea why my brain works like this, but I do know that this mindset has given me so much trouble. It’s tough to retrain a brain after so much time… but I am determined to try! So hi, I’m back. No, I still don’t have a focus. Whatever. [wanna take bets how long I can keep it up this time? lol.]
December 9
I usually write on this blog on the very last day of the year. In the past few years I had either saved up some words and published them together, or I just let my mind let out what it needed to on that date. As I was still searching what I really wanted, because I was unsure about everything to do with this website (did I want a blog? a portfolio? what would be its focus? writing, or photography, a mix of both by posting about Lolita fashion, or maybe I could focus on vegan food, post travel adventures, perhaps a mix of all of the above, which is not really a focus at all?) and because I was very busy with many things, I was content to have at least one post a year. Thinking too much about the what overwhelmed me, so I would put it off, until I had a clear reason, a real story that needed out of my head. Occasionally such a post would show up. And then it would be quiet again, for a while. But the end of year posts started one year and followed every year since, even if the rest of the year was quiet. This year, I’m doing it differently. It’s still the end of the year, so I’m not quite breaking the tradition. (And I’m also not planning on breaking the tradition at all, but I cannot start making promises about more activity because I still don’t have my purpose and nothing that even resembles focus). I am just going with the flow. I have been feeling very inspired lately. It’s really weird because at the same time, I have been feeling really lost. But I got a new way of looking at things, which includes my ‘old’ things, my old passions and my old possessions that had gotten somewhat neglected or discarded in the last year(s). Hobbies and things that were always a part of me and that I had thought I might have grown out of. I feel like I have to try and see what sparks joy. I started focusing on the fact that I should post publicly again, after a bit of a social media hiatus. (I’ve not been using facebook for about a year now, and I don’t intend on going back.) I have been struggling with social media and how to share publicly while still maintaining a good mental health, and it’s probably something I will still struggle with. If I find that I can’t do it, then I will be at peace that it’s time for me to do something else. I couldn’t sleep, so I started to write. At night, not in my own bed, without my trusted shark partners, I started drafting something in my head. That’s something I often do, have always done – since I was a child. Just narrating imaginary drafts in my mind to an imaginary audience. Sometimes I actually write it down, when it becomes something more concrete, a story, a letter, a blog… and sometimes it just disappears. Then I realized, maybe if I am this inspired, I should draft it for real this time. Don’t let it disappear. It feels like the right moment. Like the right thing to do. It doesn’t matter that it’s the middle of the night, it’s practically morning. So here I am, finally writing again. I say finally writing again as if I’m not writing every day. Actually, I have been writing almost every day since January 2nd this year – the 1st was a day of sleep and being lazy, forgive me – and I’m actually surprised. It’s probably the most consistent I have been in years. But this writing is different. There’s a difference between writing in a journal with a fountain pen, and typing on a keyboard where you know someone might actually read it. I don’t honestly think anybody remembers about my one-post-a-year-blog, but still. Three years ago I also couldn’t sleep this late, or early in the morning. I was on the sofa at my best friend’s house. I was angry and sad and I was scared I would wake them up with my crying, so I sniffled as quietly as I could. Not being a person to often cry, I felt weird about it. I also felt oddly calm and loved, for having just been dumped and feeling how not charming that cinematic crying in the rain thing is in reality. I felt calm and loved because I knew I was safe. My best friend is my best friend for a reason. We have known each other for over twenty years and we have each other’s backs. When I called her up all tears and rain and desperation, she offered her home without hesitation. As I arrived, she embraced me in the biggest hugs. And as we sat down with a cup of warm tea and I spilled out all my confusion and frustration, she told me “There is never a right time for these things, I know that, but when you called me, I just thought… how can he? The day before December 9th. Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he care?” And just like that, she showed me that she knew. That she cared. For that, I simply can only be grateful. Three years later, we’re both at different places in our lives. We are officially in our thirties now. We have to make different decisions than we did before. But I am still grateful for the friendship that makes space for me at a short notice. And I don’t have to explain. She knows. She’s been through it with me before. So we chat over dinner and after dinner follows the best vegan chocolate cake I have ever eaten (this is not an exaggeration, it tasted like ferrerro rocher, heavenly). After the dessert follows a fresh mint tea and after that one follows another. We are the last to leave the restaurant. And as we bike to the place I don’t call home but where I know there is a bed for me always, we don’t stop chatting. After reaching the destination, we still do not stop for a little while. That is how it is, and how it should be. When I look back at what my life looked like, I want to remember that even in the tough times, there are people who can make the world a little lighter. It was unfair when my life got completely turned from what I thought it would look like, three years ago. After that period of time, I spent a lot of time and hard work to craft a path for myself. I had a clear vision and I was determined to always put myself first. It was in that total confusion that my need to prove to myself that I could always rely on myself sparked a big mission. Maybe it wasn’t born in the healthiest states of minds. However, this belief helped me grow in many ways that I never would have possibly lived if I had settled for a routine life in the Netherlands. That is something I have to be grateful for. Even if it still hurts me sometimes when I remember that I felt so thoroughly betrayed. That the person I thought I knew, didn’t exist, and that I had thought I had things figured out, and now I had to go ahead and figure it all out again. Life is unfair, sometimes. It is similarly unfair that after three years of hard work with a company, while I took time, effort and initiative to carve out my path and follow my mission, someone still felt the need to turn the familiar all around. It is so difficult to accept this change because it does not align with my own vision. This is not what I thought my path looked like within this company. I would never throw away all my hard work if it wasn’t my own decision. Alas, I cannot change that now, I have to accept it. For a long while I copied my personal motto from the statement I identified with: “[I] believe in the right to make mistakes, lose everything, and start again”. I found hope in the idea that even if it feels like you lose everything, you can start again. And I have done a lot of starting again. I can do this, I know I can. I want to do it with purpose. Really do it by myself this time. And very importantly, give my time and energy for myself and for the causes I believe in. Be extra careful not to cross my boundaries. Not for capitalism, and not for a corporation. I have no idea what it looks like yet, but I know it’s coming. It will make sense. I know, in time, I will look back at this point in my life and say that it helped me grow as a person. Unfortunately, it does not help that my moments of the biggest change always seem to coincide with a moment where I already feel most lost and disconnected from myself. Maybe that is why the window for the change is so big. Maybe that is why I make mistakes, and lose everything. Who knows. It’s tough sometimes, to force myself to go outside and remember that there is a life out there and that there will be better days, when my mental health is always at its weakest during the darkest days, when October, November and December are the biggest minefields, and when I know what my mind is capable of. Yet, I am determined not to let it win. I am already grateful for the time I now get to spend with family and friends. In the last month, I have been visiting more times than in the whole previous year put together. I relish in those moments with people who have known me practically my whole life. They are worth so much to me. They are the faces and voices that remind me of the life out there and the better days that will follow dark ones. I’ve lived them before. I can survive them again. December 9 is a special day, but it’s not necessarily a sad day. It’s my mum’s birthday, and it’s the day we celebrate both her life and remember her death on that day, because doing the latter on December 31 is not easy to do with our three musketeers. This year I’m feeling lost, but at least I am not in the state that I was three years ago. I’m not okay, but that’s okay. I know that with help, I can get back to an okay that I can live with. That’s enough for now. Thank you to support me at times when I feel lost, and for being there when I find myself again. [Photos from a delicious dinner date at Burgertrut in Rotterdam, one of my staple vegan friendly places for comforting food and delicious cakes.]