• ♡ a day in my life,  ♡ adventures,  ♡ video,  ♡ vlogmas

    Vlogmas 2020 ♡ Day 2

    Welcome back again, it’s day two of Vlogmas! I’m so proud I didn’t completely give up after one day. I even got Dee to help me film my outfit! ♡ By the way, it’s now [by the time of posting] December 7th, and I’ll let you in on the fact that I have been filming every day so far! Please let me know any feedback you might have, by leaving me a comment here or on Youtube. Also I’m very curious to the answers on some of the things I’ve asked in this video… turns out I had quite a few, haha. Oh and please subscribe to my new channel,…

  • ♡ a day in my life,  ♡ adventures,  ♡ video,  ♡ vlogmas

    Vlogmas 2020 ♡ Day 1

    Sooo many years [and attempts…] later, I am BACK to try my hand at Vlogmas. Remember, that thing I did ages ago? And then my computer crashed and I had videos but just… never uploaded them. And then I got a special camera to try again and it failed. And then I was too busy. And then I was too sad. [In 2017 I literally filmed every day and I just never edited or uploaded anything. Story of my life. So many unfinished projects. I’m working on getting better at that!] So, let’s just try this again. I wasn’t really sure what I would be doing, at first I wanted…

  • ♡ life

    Who am I? – part one

    Who am I? It might seem like a question on top of an introductory “About Me” page. I have one of those. Spoiler: this is not it. Who am I? is literally a question that I ask myself every day. For about two years, I am struggling with my mental health again. That means I was pretty much ‘okay’ for about two years since I got many (many) tests done and started tailored therapy in the Netherlands. The health specialists there diagnosed me with several things that can be merged under the term depression. At first, I thought I might have an attention deficit disorder, but turns out I was…

  • cute little begonia in bloom
    ♡ life

    hi, I’m back.

    Hello. For someone who has had an online blog since what, twenty years? I’ve also taken the most and the longest breaks. Long time no see.  This saying works both literally and figuratively, in our case. This year, 2020, has been a crazy ride for all of society so far, and the way of life as we knew it is gone… But even before all the pandemic sanctions, I had taken some distance from people. First on social media, I deleted the facebook app on my phone and then I got locked out of instagram, and this shut me off of online contact. In a way I was grateful for…

  • best vegan hazelnut choco cake
    ♡ life

    December 9

    I usually write on this blog on the very last day of the year. In the past few years I had either saved up some words and published them together, or I just let my mind let out what it needed to on that date. As I was still searching what I really wanted, because I was unsure about everything to do with this website (did I want a blog? a portfolio? what would be its focus? writing, or photography, a mix of both by posting about Lolita fashion, or maybe I could focus on vegan food, post travel adventures, perhaps a mix of all of the above, which is…

  • a happy little family and a premie baby [spoiler alert: the baby is me]
    ♡ life

    goodbye to another year

    The last day of the year. Well, the Gregorian calendar year, because the Tzolkin is halfway and that’s only two ways to measure a year. Still. Widely spread, today is the last day of the year. And traditionally, when we’re at the end of things, we reflect. It’s a fun tradition. I started my own tradition on this blog, years ago, to reflect on the year, trying many different things. I broke up the year in months, added photos, made lists, mostly wrote short snippets about highlights. Then, I started to reflect more in writing. I picked December 31st as my day for writing, not just because it’s the last…

  • the holy trinity side by side
    ♡ life

    getting over the impossible past

    2012. On The Impossible Past. I’m mourning two very significant relationships in this period. But I also just started dating M then, so that’s what the more upbeat songs spoke to me about. I’ve been having a horrible time. I’ll never find anything again. I’ll fuck it up. Happiness is just a moment. Don’t underestimate the aftershocks of ending an almost seven-year relationship. Yet it helps to have someone there to hold your hand as you go through new life, new places, new people. The Menzingers became ‘our thing’. 2014. Rented World. Throw in AFI’s Burials and Bayside’s CULT and of course Trio’s My Shame Is True and mix together…

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  • thundersnow bath bomb
    ♡ life

    let’s have a talk

    Okay, that’s it, I have decided. Screw the whole “not being too personal on the internet” thing. You know my name, you’ve seen my face. Some of my most personal musings are out here already, and it’s helping me grow. I’m still cautious not to share too much about other people, but I’ve got stories to tell. One of my goals this year is to write more. Since I’m better with personal stuff – and don’t really write fiction anymore, anyway – here I am. I’m ready to talk. I’m learning things lately. I’m learning that it’s actually really healthy to talk to the ex-partner of the person that you…

  • ♡ life

    Things I learned in 2017

    I am surrounded by beautiful radiant souls that are supportive and worthy of support [cis] [white] [straight] [male] privilege is gross and needs to be abolished change is inevitable have no tolerance for bullshit address toxic and problematic behaviour leave behind toxic situations as fast as you can if it doesn’t change nobody is an island work on the things that need to happen [being proactive pays off] love fully and without regret, but don’t lose sight of your boundaries SAY NO TO MANIPULATIVE BULLSHIT communicate open and honestly trust no boy who says his ex is “a crazy [evil] [immature] bitch” practice radical self-care some people do not deserve…

  • Vasteras 2018
    ♡ life

    Twenty years

    It’s been twenty years this year. I am taking my moment to sit and think and write. It’s a thing I do each year and I like it. So here I am again. The weather outside is atrocious. Drops of rain hitting against the window, reminding me of memories hitting when I least expect them. I always think to myself “People who haven’t lived through this, do not understand.” Grief. And the way grief hits you randomly sometimes. When the weather is too rainy, too dark, too cold outside. A specific street in Rotterdam where I don’t like to ride my bike. The road to the hospital. Memories of cycling…

  • ♡ life

    perception and intention

    Lately I’ve been thinking, what is public perception, and how do we react to someone else’s perception of ourselves? These thoughts didn’t just crop up out of nowhere. They’ve been present ever since I struggled with how personal to get on this very space [see my last two posts] and got aggravated by recent incidents that got me thinking about a similar discourse a good few years ago. I used to date someone who was an English Language and Literature student and they introduced me to the idea of the death of the author. It comes from an essay by Barthes in the sixties of the previous century and it…