getting over the impossible past

2012. On The Impossible Past.

I’m mourning two very significant relationships in this period. But I also just started dating M then, so that’s what the more upbeat songs spoke to me about. I’ve been having a horrible time. I’ll never find anything again. I’ll fuck it up. Happiness is just a moment. Don’t underestimate the aftershocks of ending an almost seven-year relationship. Yet it helps to have someone there to hold your hand as you go through new life, new places, new people. The Menzingers became ‘our thing’.

2014. Rented World.

Throw in AFI’s Burials and Bayside’s CULT and of course Trio’s My Shame Is True and mix together a soundtrack to a deteriorating relationship with a lack of trust, understanding and, most of all, a severe problem in communication. Rented World came just at the time where I found myself newly single and ready to never be in a shit relationship again. I yelled at the world, alone, angry and frustrated. Never again will I let anyone close to me. And yet. Somehow I found someone new to make The Menzingers a thing for ‘us’ and not just myself.

2017. After The Party.

Menzingers, you can’t keep doing this to me. And on the other hand, please do. I need mental support. Where are we gonna go now that our twenties are over? I don’t know, but thanks for having me over. I hope this isn’t a burden. I’m sleeping over on the couch trying to build a new life. On the plus side, it’s only an hour away.
Again, the release of an album just when the party is over. Newly single, new city, new life. I don’t know what this band is doing that it seems to coincide so perfectly with my life, but I’ve decided to just go with it. No new people this time. I’m fine with After The Party being a thing for just me. It’s a chapter of self-growth, and nothing helped me grow harder than being myself and being happy being alone.

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Groezrock 2017. You don’t care if anyone is watching / Just as long as you stay in motion. The Menzingers. After The Party has been the soundtrack of many of my runs since the start of the year. When I moved to Rotterdam and sometimes ran through territories that used to be ‘ours’ and then turned into ‘his’. I run all the way to the West, past the old sports hall where we used to have roller derby practice, past the football stadium. I also run new routes. Scared to run into him, even though that is pretty much impossible.
Midwestern States becomes one of my favourite songs. Been having problems with our landlord, he said he’s taking us both to court, she got her hours slashed. I did get my hours slashed, that’s why I move for the second time in three months. I go on holiday, I pack all my stuff up again, move to Belgium and leave for Groezrock pretty much the next day. I think back about how I first listened to this album when it came out in early 2017 and I sat with a partner and listened to the song and got to Most nights we always fall asleep with something dumb on Netflix. Some nights trash reality or kids cartoons or shitty documentaries, and he said “okay I already like this band because they sing about Netflix”. Netflix and chill was kind of ‘our thing’. But when I’m at Groezrock, I’m definitely solo. I just yell to The Obituaries and think about all the people I fucked things up with.

Groezrock 2012. Do you want nice things? The memories of Groezrock 2012 and related Anti-Fest will always be ones I hold dear. Everything is fresh and new. The sun is shining, my mood is higher than it has been in a long time. We have a nice long Easter holiday together, wrapped up in the energy of a new relationship. I am shedding my skin in a new city, new country, discovering the hills with M. It feels good to lay in the grass at Kirkstall Abbey and think about how the dark and cold of winter and all the drama of the past few months has finally subsided. I have discovered the Menzingers through Anti-Flag – a band we both enjoy and bond over – and subsequently obsess over On The Impossible Past like nothing has hit me this hard in a long time. It is new for me, to mourn something and let something else bloom at the same time. But the springtime makes it easier. It’s tough to see them, the people who are no longer in my life, but we quickly forget about that.
M and I hold hands during all the times we see the Menzingers. Enjoy t