room for thought ♡ january 2015

So I have been having issues getting into my website editor and I’m still super behind on my plan to at least post Room for Thought / PMA posts once a month, but who cares that it’s March, let’s take a look at January!

overview RFT 1501
NEW YEAR! New chances! [Not really.] New things! [Yes.] This January was full of new Wie Is… De Mol?, lunch dates, working days, rain, a visit to Paris for a 70s style 70th birthday party, making French tests for students to do, picking up Gaeilge again, finding work very meh and also more vegan fooooood.

Let’s have some PMA and make a list! I was totally super duper extra happy that:

  • I got some good hangs with my friends in Roffa ♡
  • I finally got to see Her in the cinema
  • The winter-break for derby training was over and we got to do exercise in the horrible cold, yaaay  ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
  • I got my new passport! 。◕ ‿ ◕。 Finally one with a decent picture!!!
  • I ate some really good vegan junk food: cinnamon roll, chocolate cake, snackbar, pizza…
  • There was a really really nice unforgettable weekend with two dates (。♥‿♥。) and two movies
  • Benedict Cumberbatch was amaaazing in The Imitation Game
  • I also ate lots of poffertjes (─‿‿─)
  • and took many baths [this should not be on my lists anymore haha]
  • we went to Paris! saw my family, danced to 70s music dressed like 70s people and ate more yummy vegan snacks
  • and the next day Normal Guy bought us Tsum Tsum in the Disney Store ♡
  • I dressed up like a space alien for a 90s party, which was incidentally one of the funnest nights out in Roffa in a while
  • I unearthed my Tamagotchi and My Little Pony collection (✿◠‿◠)
  • Normal Guy got to experience the epicness of Lilo & Stitch [and I got to relive it (◕‿-) it’s still one of my favourites!]
  • and finally, January means new Wie Is… De Mol? which makes all Dutch people go a bit crazy for a bit, and now that I’m writing this it’s already over but it was exciting while it lasted. Whooopp!!! Also I have to say I was totally wrong (≧ω≦) but I can’t wait for next year, haha!

January was good! I’m missing a lot of good photos here but I still got a lot of moments  I really still like this app and hopefully I will keep it up all through 2015 and have a cool book at the end of the year! Those good photos will somehow end up on my Instagram in like, 8 months. But until then, here’s my outfit from the 90s party cause it made me happy~

90s party 1 90s party 2


Tamagotchi shirt • vintage ♡ sparkly shorts • Topshop ♡ legwarmers • Cyberdog ♡ shoes • Yosuke

sunglasses • H&M  Tamagotchis & Popple bag • vintage

room for thought ♡ december 2014

Why yes, with all this phone business [I will spare the details, but I was walking around with more than 3 iphones for a period of time in October – November 2014] I got a bit caught up with my Room for Thought stuff, but I’ve finally gotten around to compiling all the December photos, so why not make another PMA post? Like the one I did for September ^_^

overview RFT 1412
December meant my birthday had passed, more regular tutoring jobs, cycling all around Rotterdam, derby practice, DERBY WORLD CUP!!!. Sinterklaas, unicorn onesies, mermaid leggings, starting a new job, christmas trees, christmas sweaters, christmas dinners, Adventure Time Munchkin, cat sleepovers, happy sundays and fake bubbles for New Year’s Eve! boom!

I was particularly happy that

  • I had a successful interview and finally got some regular employment
  • we got to see the pretty sights at China Light in Utrecht, and afterwards had some delicious vegan food at Gys
  • I got to wear AP’s Wonder Queen for Nice Dress Day (~ ̄▽ ̄)~
  • we went on a Christmas Sweater Pub Crawl through Rotterdam
  • watched Santas vs Elves scrimmage and ate some more ♡ vegan kibbeling ♡ in Den Haag
  • I got some new gear too, and crocheted toe caps with the help of this tutorial
  • we celebrated Christmas!!! which I freaking loooveeeee (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧! perfect time to watch RENT, and The Grinch (✿◠‿◠)
  • and of course, yummy Christmas dinners, three days in a row. Dutch people say they don’t like Christmas but secretly they do!
  • my dearest twin-twin came to Rotterdam with her lover (。♥‿♥。) and it was sooo good to see them again!
  • I bought a lottttt of amazing smelling goodies in the Lush sale~ ♡
  • there was snow!!! for three nanoseconds… ♡ ♡
  • I finally came along with Normal Guy to the cat shelter, and helped him take home the cutest 6 month old kitten ♡_♡/
  • I skyped my dearies in Leeds 。◕ ‿ ◕。 on the last day of the year ♡
  • on that day I also ate some vegan oliebollen, drank some alcohol free bubbly drinks and said goodbyyyyeeeee to 2014!

I really like December for its pretty lights and yummy food and good company. I dislike December for the cold, rain and bad memories. However, this year, it was more good than bad and I’m so happy for that. Pfoooo!!! That’s what PMA is about, isn’t it! Keeping our heads up in the cold and dark and poopy times. Anyway, I’ll see you soon enough for my January post. Hugs! ♡


January 1

Why hello.

It’s 2015 now. I wrote something on December 31st, 2013 – something long, something sad. It was tough to write… The support I got was overwhelming, and everybody who has been with me over the last year, I thank you so, so much. Things have changed tremendously from that moment until now, and it’s mostly for the better, and I’m so thankful and grateful for it! It was a crazy year and I’ve learned and grown so much, and I hope to continue to keep working on myself and make things better.

So let’s take this moment to look back in positives!

January 1st, 2014

  • January • I started the new year with my best friend, did the research for my dissertation, saw friends, went back to Leeds, survived exams, saw the Sleeping Beauty ballet! & took many baths
  • February • I had laryngitis and completely lost my voice, was a witness in a police investigation, saw Less Than Jake & Reel Big Fish, worked on my dissertation, saw Frozen for the 3rd in the cinema and sang along to it, celebrated Davey Day, had really fun times in Leeds and had to go back to NL to redo the research because I did it wrong the first time like a loser
  • March • I wore a lot of Lolita, had some fun nights out in between all the work, drank lots of tea with SocieTEA and ate lots of cake with friends, expanded my My Little Pony and Seapony collection~*
  • April • I went to London for Enchanted!, got tattooed, was filmed, also was part of the Puppet Circus army (which was awesome), dressed up as Flame Princess for Geek Meet, went to Howarth, saw Alkaline Trio and Bayside and had one of the best nights in Cockpit ever, spent about 30+ consecutive hours in a computer cluster trying to figure out how statistics works, missed the Kyary Pamyu Pamyu concert but FINISHED MY DISSERTATION AND HANDED IT IN ON TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • May • after handing that shit in it was straight on to Belgium for Justin Timberlake and Groezrock (both awesome), back in Leeds SocieTEA had a handover so I was no longer the President Queen, I had to motivate myself to finish all the last uni work (did that through taking baths and eating pizza, sometimes at the same time), voted, got ill during exams of course, went to the Leeds tattoo convention and got tattooed surprise and had one of the most amazing late night cinema experiences with the lolitas of Leeds ♥
  • June • I had my last exam and FINISHED UNI!!!, celebrated international Lolita day, went to the beach in Bridlington, had a goodbye dinner, had one last photoshoot, packed up all my things and moved out of the UK [boooooo]
  • July • after a crazy moving adventure and sleeping on a boat, I went to Paris for the best summer events, saw many friends, was part of a fashion walk, bought a fancy dress, won 2nd best outfit at the Angelic Pretty tea party, dressed as a mermaid at Japan Expo, went to the museum, watched the football world cup, went to a meeting with some of my oldest internet friends from NL, had a surprise “Hey, by the way, you graduated!” moment so we booked plane tickets to Manchester and went to Leeds and OH MY GLOB I GRADUATED!!!!, spent a day in the Peak District with my family, flew back for one day in NL then took a train for a beautiful British countryside wedding and good times with friends in London
  • August • I had nothing planned for August so it was pretty weird how that turned out: visited a friend in a new house, had many job applications, interviews and rejections, went to Amsterdam Gay Pride and saw my Queenchita , cat-sat the cutest two kittens, took many baths, filled in a lot of sudoku puzzles, visited Leiden on a date, went to Belgium for an awesome bachelorette party, skated in the Wednesday Night Skate three times, ate yummy vegan burgers, went to the open air cinema, bought a new bike, helped my dad build a clothing rail, closed a door on something unproductive and right at the end of the month ran into someone pretty freaking amazing (✿ ♥‿♥) – from now on known he will be known on this blog as Normal Guy
  • September • I went to Ikea on a date, back to Belgium for my wifey, and my friend becoming someone else’s wifey, survived the open training with Rotterdam Roller Derby, dyed my hair green, went to London for Revelry, spent all my money on good times with the best friends, had the best vegan pizza ever so far, randomly and magically sold one of my self-made unicorn horns, filmed for a Lolita documentary, went to Wagama twice in a month, went to a roller derby bout and then kept on going to training because roller derby is aaaawesoooome (。◕‿◕。)
  • October • I invested a lot of time and effort in training, explored the Markthal, saw the Menzingers, went to an open day for a possible MA degree, made the most horrible looking mochi when Margot left Belgium for Canada, baked vegan pancakes, went to another roller derby bout and volunteered, carved a pumpkin for Halloween, wore traditional Vietnamese clothes for my friend’s charity dinner and went to a family weekend again after not having been in the last three years at least
  • November • I went to the sea at the family weekend, went to another open day, suffered horrible tooth ache and consequently ended up at the dentist for million of things (moral of the story: go regularly!), went to Paris, started tutoring people regularly, got a somewhat working phone (after walking around with 4 phones for a week), started playing Dungeons & dragons again, & had a magical and sparkly birthday (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
  • December • I got Normal Guy to come to roller derby too, watched the roller derby world cup, finally got a job, went to China Lights in Utrecht, dressed up for nice dress day, wore a christmas sweater on a pub crawl in Rotterdam, went to a roller derby scrimmage in Den Haag, got another job, was happy when a cat came to sleepover, applied for a new passport, went crazy in the Lush sale, had a magical Christmas and went with Normal Guy to adopt the cutest kitten in the whole world from the shelter, called Sally/Salome

All in all, 2014 was filled with many baths ^_~ a few very significant things happened, mostly good things. I’m very proud I graduated, sad I had to leave the UK but I’m sure I’m not done with academia yet, so who knows where that will lead. I started getting rid of things and embracing positivity again, which has been really good. I’m still a hoarder and always choosing expensive things to do, but… I think starting to figure out life in the Netherlands with a cute face and a new hobby seems not to go too bad!

January 1, 2015 December 31st, 2014

In 2015, I plan to get skates that are my size, so I can get better and better. All those bouts and scrimmages I went to in 2014 was to watch, which was great by the way, and I definitely recommend it! But skating is really fun to do, and it’s so motivating to see how you can progress in such a short time! Also, the derby family are all amazing people and I’m so so so happy I went to that open training in September.

Also, I have been growing out my hair for the last three years but it’s finally paying off, so here’s to hoping that this year it will reach the length that I want it to be!!!

Other than that, I don’t really have goals, but I do have a couple of fun things lined up. I’m going to Paris a couple of times, not in the least for Street Fashion Europe’s next event, I’m going to Leeds because my friends are the best and bought me a plane ticket, and I’m visiting Vienna for the Eurovision Song Contest!! EEEEEEEE SO EXCITED!!!!! ლ(́◉◞౪◟◉‵ლ)

sallllllyyyy I hope cool things will happen and that I will have the time and energy to share them on here… If not, see you in another year for the 2015 reflection post ^_~ Also, I wish everyone the best for 2015, may it bring you happiness and PMA, we survived another year! WE DID IT! SPARKLE MERMAID UNICORNS WIN! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ kisses and hugs and all the love to you!!!


room for thought ♡ september 2014

Wow! It’s OCTOBER already?!?! Well. Since I’m super behind on everything in my life, all of the time, but I still manage to [sometimes] remember to take a picture everyday because of this cute app called ROOM for thought ~ I figured why not just collect all these pictures in one go? So, here’s my September!
overview RFT 1409
There were baths, job interviews, visits to Delft, Antwerpen, Gent, Kortrijk, London and Amsterdam,  A WEDDING!!!, friends and wifey dates, trials for a video I still haven’t made properly, gree hair adventures, sleepovers, kitties, cutiefaces, moviedates, a new dress, live music, roller derby practices, lots of food and also showers. Coincidentally, I went to Wagamama twice after not having been in ages. Also, apparently I stick my tongue out a lot.

So yep, wow, that’s a lot of eventful things in one month! Remember when I wanted to make cute PMA lists of things that made me happy in that month?

Well, this month I was happy that

  • Doctor Who is back! yesss!
  • I went on a shopping spree with my wifey, got the cutest skirt, shoes and awesome hat ♡ also happy birthday
  • my best friend got married and it was great to be part of that ♡
  • I survived the open training with Rotterdam Roller Derby and it was amazing and I’m gonna keep training as a juvie (°◡°♡)
  • I fiiiiinally went to see Guardians of the Galaxy with my friend
  • I went to London for Revelry, the Tea Party Club’s seventh anniversary event and it was sooo much fun ♡ as always
  • loved loved loved seeing my friends from all over the world there, and especially the Leeds crew ♡ ♡ ♡
  • seriously, there were so many great lolitas there! not in the least the designer of Metamorphose!
  • and I got to twin with Annso again! yayyyy ♡
  • of course: the after party! – it’s always the best part ( •ॢ◡-ॢ)
  • and Aliki & Mark’s hospitality ♡ thank you so much!
  • I saw a lot of Annso {in Belgium, UK and the Netherlands!} in one month, actually, ♡ so much love for this girl
  • the Dutch lolitas were filmed for a cool project I can hopefully tell more about soon
  • had fun times {on several occasions} with my Rotterdam friends ♡ so nice to hang with them again
  • most importantly, a very special new person~ ♡o。.(✿ฺ。 ✿ฺ)
  • who went to see a bout {roller derby game} with me, which by the way was TOTALLY AWESOME ♡

and then suddenly September was over! Bring on October!


bridlington ♡ beach

Hello hi, it’s been a very crazy very busy two months, but I finally have energy to post something again. Sooooo, in June when I was still in the UK, Beccy offered to go to the seaside before I left (to go “see my people”), so we all dressed up in our Nightmare Rising sailor JSKs and had a fun day out!

Still the only time this year that I've been to the beach, come back sun please? I want to go again so badly (-。-;

It was my first time in Bridlington, and it was lovely! We enjoyed all the little seaside shops {amazing fabric shops! and candy, candy is a big thing near the sea} and the arcades of course, we did horse racing and that was so much fun! Each of us won something, we each got loom bands. In case you don’t know what that is, it’s a craze with children all over the world, basically you get little rubber bands and you make bracelets by connecting them all. We also had lunch in the very cute little organic bakery where they had very nice vegan food, I had a yummy burger and a brownie for dessert! After this we strolled along the seaside and on the beach [shells, many shells, shells everywhere] and passed the cute pastel coloured houses… and many MANY many many dogs! Sooo many cute dogs!

{140614} "Yes it's a real shark!"  welcome to the seaside There was this amaaaaaaazing fabric shop!  I wanted that shiny sparkly fabric soooo much
{140614} arcade~ #latergram ~ gambling gambling, allllll our money lostttt "I'm in an arcade"-selfie + monsters inc catcher!! I suck at catchers so I didn't play it U__U;;
We all won at the horse races!! whoooooooooo!! Treasure Island pirate ghostwalk whaaaaatttt Most delicieus organic vegan food - wowowow
This way for England "stuff" upload ☆彡
Bridlington @themightymushroom ❤️✨ Trying a thing where hopefully if I don't do that crazy thing with the rounded corners anymore it will take less time to post :'] who am I kidding
upload I just wanna beee, swimmin' in the seeea~MY PEOPLE ARE IN THERE!! TAKE ME BAAAACK!!!!
✨Bridlington ✨ All tha cool kids are doing it~*~* ✨✨✨

I had a lovely lovely day even though it was very windy and a bit overcast, I think Bridlington is a gorgeous seaside town and I recommend it! ♡ Thank you girls for taking me !! ♡

Michaela & Beccy being cuties cutiepie

photo by michaelaphoto by Michaela~


JSK • Nightmare Rising by Rouge Aerie Designs ♡ Socks, cardigan, shoes • offbrand ♡ wristcuffs • AP ♡ parasol • Baby ♡ necklace • Taobao


I like that we all wore the same sailor dress! and still styled it differently. How cute is Michaela’s backpack!? and hat!? And Beccy ‘s beret and rocking horse shoes that are much nicer than mine… I wore my new mermaid necklace that Beccy helped me get from Taobao but I didn’t get a good picture of it. Ahh I ♡ love ♡ the sea! I want to go back!! ♡ ♡ ♡


lolitas of Leeds ♡ ILD summer 2014

Room for Thought

Hallo hallo, long time no blog!! Well, I’m freeeeeee [pretty much] from university now, so, time to catch up!

Every summer and winter, lolitas all over the world celebrate International Lolita Day, which falls on the first weekend of June and first weekend of December. I think the official day is on a saturday for some reason but a lot of people also have meet ups and celebrations on the sunday. Which was the case for us, Lolitas of Leeds, because we held a SUPER GIANT MEGA MEET on Sunday the 8th of June.

Just grand! Loli day!

© A Shot In The Dark© A Shot In The Dark

When I say super giant mega meet I mean it was the BIGGEST LOLITA MEET UP IN LEEDS so far, and there were 40 people there. BOOYA!

© A Shot In The Dark

The lovely Michaela and I conspired together to host a nice afternoon tea party with a lot of fun and games and also PRIZES. (⁎⁍̴̛͂▿⁍̴̛͂⁎)*✲゚*。⋆♡ It was so much fun! Of course since it was a tea party there was tea, sandwiches, even cake and a special cocktail. I didn’t get to drink it but it was called “pomi loli” and looked very nice. There were vegetarian and vegan sandwiches as well, and scones, and for those who didn’t eat scones there was vegan chocolate cake! Thank you to Michaela for making the food requests for the lolis with allergies or other dietary restrictions. ♡

Lemonadeeee Pomi loli

Michaelaaaa TEAAAAAA

Pomi Loli Cocktail

Sandwiches! Vegan choco cake!

We did bingo!! Maybe it’s something British, maybe I’m just not too familiar with bingo, but there were all these funny names for the numbers, like “22” is “two little ducks” and “88” is “two fat ladies”. But then some other were really boring (“12″ was “a dozen” and then “24” was “two dozen” etc… okay??) or just really random or weird. Although, this made it more hilarious! “ヽ(´▽`)ノ”

© A Shot In The Dark Bingo time!!

More bingo~


Happy Hannah

After bingo it was time for the MEGA QUIZ!! ((┌|o^▽^o|┘))♪ There were 50 questions in this mega pop quiz. Round one was a picture round with various things related to Lolita. Round two was “guess the print” with special guest Hannah. The twist on this round was that Hannah doesn’t know the names of prints so she often describes them in a really funny, often more honest way. It’s always hilarious to see what she comes up with! But it also made the round quite hard! ꉂ (ᵔ̴̶̤᷄ꇴ ॣᵔ̴̶̤᷅⌯))л̵ʱªʱª⁎*.*

Guess the print!
Guess the print hilarity!

Round three was my round, mythical creatures! Some questions were a bit tricky but I was really proud of the Bows of Steel group who got all the answers! ∗˚೫˳(●ᴖ͙̏ᴗॢᴖ͙̋●)˳೫˚∗ Round four was Michaela’s round full of Yorkshire facts… I would have sucked at that round to be honest! Haha. Good thing I wasn’t playing. Did you know athletes from Yorkshire won 12 medals in the 2012 olympics? Yeahhh!! The fifth and last round was General Lolita Knowledge, for which Michaela and I did 5 questions each. It was a fierce competition because a lot of people did really well! In the end I hope everyone enjoyed the quiz.

© A Shot In The Dark © A Shot In The Dark

I’m not going to post everyone’s outfit pictures because there were so many people BUT I will say that everybody did their best and looked fabulous and it made me sooooo happy!! (♡ᵉ̷͈ัॢωᵉ̷͈ัॢ )‧₊°♡ Special thanks to Kimberley from A Shot In The Dark who took so many lovely pictures for us! ♡ ♡ ♡

Here’s some group photos:

Our table!
© A Shot In The Dark © A Shot In The Dark © A Shot In The Dark
© A Shot In The Dark

Just Grand! crew

The Just Grand! crew

Crazy shot!

My favourite picture of the day!!!

Silly bins At the Belgrave


After the official meet was over, a few of us went to the Belgrave, which has a lovely roof terrace. I had some of the handcooked chips, they were lovely. And then when I got home, I made a video. This is my second try at making a short video about stuff I’m doing, nothing fancy, and it took me three days to find an editing program that didn’t completely die on me. I need to work on what I wanna say, but I do wanna continue making videos. In the end I think it’s fun! Let me know what you think?

closeup closeup

© A Shot In The Dark © A Shot In The Dark


JSK, headbow ☆ Angelic Pretty

Blouse ☆ H&M

Bolero ☆ Baby, the Stars Shine Bright

Shoes ☆ Forever 21

Socks, wristcuffs ☆ Angelic Pretty

Accessories ☆ Angelic Pretty & offbrand

I think this was a really amazing meet up and it leaves me with many good memories before I have to leave, but I don’t wanna talk about that, so, thanks for reading! ( •ॢ◡-ॢ)-♡


photo credits: Jo ; A Shot In The Dark photography

instagram ♡ december 2013

I thought it would be fun to share my instagram pictures in one place. I know it’s a bit image heavy because I took a trip to the Netherlands and Belgium and was really happy to be using instagram again, haha, so maybe that’s a sign I should do these posts a bit more often and a bit more staggered

Tea telling the truth ☆彡 This is a thing called a present. The whole thing starts with a box. Good smelling gifts in bright coloured paper ; and the whole thing's topped with a unicorn~ <thanks friends! so spoiled!> Someone fix these unfinished legs of mine - they are in need of tattoos sooo badly. Pretending the bubbles are the clouds that are his home~
Wednesday socieTEA meetings. We've been having so much fun this year, it's great! Thanks guys! Thursday. Spots and stripes. drink me curiouser and curiouser Today. My makeup haul cause I needed new mist&set, and powder... So I got all this for 50% off ^_^ Wagamama with Lolitas of Leeds for International Lolita Day!
Get your 3D on~ <photo by Sophie> Frozen-inspired coord for International Lolita Day! ☆彡 ✽(′ॢᵕ ‵ *ॢ)✽ஐ✯♡ Not as elegant as Anna and Hans hahahaha. ♡ Vegan banana walnut choco loaf~ ❄️☆ ❄️Snooooowwww queeen ❄️☆❄️ Mafia boss seems kind of disappointed I didn't gave a hat she could steal but look, I was wearing a tiara.
Sunday morning care package. Warm muffins. Scented candle. Root veg crisps. Nuts. Very important Trio CD. A letter. Monday. Food from Terrace amid crazy library sessions. Avocado and pepper wrap - I thought it would be warm but it was cold, but still taaaasty! ♪ war of worlds in real time ♪ Tea time at @mrsathas with the most gorgeous cups as per usual and yummy vegan coconut raspberry muffin! My tea was like a green tea but-not-really. Yummm! ♡ Small obsession with fancy vintage teacups~
Another #pretty #vintage #teacup. But this time used for  homemade hot chocolate. Universally acknowledged truth Irony. I bought this card one day in York when we were visiting in summer. Must have been the end of June. Something was up, I don't remember exactly, but I was getting the silent treatment and basically being ignored. We found this really cute shop full When I say fancy, I mean FANCY
Once upon a time, the #lolitasofleeds played #dungeonsanddragons. It was a glorious time. We fought bumble bees and spoke to eels. Outfit to match my sea-creature character. I  this dress and my tight have narwhals on whooopp~* The last awesome cupcake ☆彡 Nom nom nom ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ vegan brooowwwniieeeee~ A Very AP Christmas prequel, outfit for the last #lolitasofleeds meet of 2013! Christmas lunch at Interlude **(ू•ω•ू♡)** ☆彡
Adventures! ❄️ (◍′◡‵◍) upload Let's-talk-things-out-just-got-tattooed-don't-wanna-cook-vegan-pizza The one day I was really proud of my #ponytail and needed to remember with this #selfie :'] #latergram
♡ Even if it's pink. Can't bring down my love of crochet. ♡ ☆彡 ☆ ☆ ☆ Favourite things. Bye UK~ Hello Netherlands~
Excuse me sir, there's a plane on your roof. Cup of tea after landing. ※♡☃♡※ Brunch~ Oh Benelux trein. I have not missed you that much... Zuurdesemcroissant, love of my life.
NL train arrives late. Some twat yells "Lady Gaga" and I give him the finger while I run up the escalator from the basement pits of Antwerpen Centraal to get to the highest level. For the record, I NEVER do that. Never ever get negative back when people s ♡ Hey, HENT! Long time no see! Catching up.
FRIETJES!!! ♡♡ Look it's @camimari's fat cat!  cute cute cute! But sneaky! Teapot handle-helper? Or nose warmer? Modeled by @camimari Ma mimiche d'amour après trop trop longtemps!! ♡♡♡ ☆ So happy to be there.
Obligatory F21-changing-room-mirror-selfie Lush stuff always looks so good I wanna eat ittttt We ❤️ Lush Christmas gifts!!  Photo by Lush Antwerp Such nice people! What other shop allows you to take pictures and even takes pics of you?! ⭐️ Photo by Lush Antwerp
Finally seeing my Belgian Loli friends was ♡ Miss you cuties!! ♡ photo with and by the adorable @asiancookieayu ♡ Disney store! ♡ Fanni, me, Annso ♡ photo by @asiancookieayu I didn't get a good picture with Annso (even if we were all matching and stuffff), but here's one of these two cuties together ♡ ♡ ♡ photo by @asiancookieayu Twinkle Ornament. I love it so much. I can only wear it once a year but not sorry to just wear it once a year every year!
* Annso lent me her gorgeous #babythestarsshinebright #headbow. ✨I love itttt Pretty lights ✨ Antwerpen Centraal Look at this perfection Selfies selfies selfies ☆彡 The Cakes wifeys out wearing AP, as it should be~
( ᵒ̴̶̷̤̀ुωᵒ̴̶̷̤́ू )・*♡ ꒰⁎˃ ॢꇴ ॢ˂⁎꒱➴ෆ⃛ Miracle Candy finally after soooooo long!! ☆彡 ෆ⃛(⑅ ॣ•͈૦•͈ ॣ)꒳ᵒ꒳ No time to do photomaton? Fine, we'll take a million bad quality selfies... ~* ☆彡
Made a collar with a button closure on the inside so it's hidden ^__^ I need this for in my white kitchen in my house in the forest... One day. ♡*゜ฅˆ•ﻌ•ˆฅ♡* *☆* ♡ It's called a dreamdress for a reason hu hu~ so in love ♡
❤️❤️❤️Love the little candies, love the big red white bow, love the bow I got as a gift with the dress ❤️❤️❤️ Finished commission!! ☆彡 Big collar with big {detachable} bow, inside button closure and pearl accents. Commissioned large pink crochet collar in organic cotton with large detachable red bow and pearl accents. ♡ Second commission: smaller, lighter pink collar to create a nice layered effect.
giant Christmas tree outside city hall They don't really do a tree. These are quite tiny. However I thought these were cute. ☆ Already brought way too much crochet stuff on this trip... ☆ Go out to buy emergency supplies {need 1 colour and 1 hook} ☆ Come back with this. Oooops. ☆ ☆彡 Went for a walk on Christmas Day. Kralingse Bos. Where I spent many of my childhood summers.
"The best view of Rotterdam" ☆彡 ♡〜 "When the winds of change blow, some build walls, others build windmills."  - proverb ☆彡 ☆
Stuff I bought / got in Belgium. Christmas present to myself! Love this game! It's so much fun! I love the "surprise!" cards (﹡ˆ﹀ˆ﹡)♬ Christmas face. ✨ Unexpected Christmas gifts. Ohhh delicious peach yofu why are you not available in the UK?!  ‎٩(๑꒦ິȏ꒦ິ๑)۶”
My outfit for Christmas 2013. {plus all possible accessories, which I didn't use all (•̀ᴗ-)} Day Dream Carnival ~ details ♡ {Christmas 2013} Day Dream Carnival with and without fluffy thing~ ☆彡
"I reject these BARBARIC DEMANDS!" Super high tech mode of communication with Lowlanders. My father made a delicious vegan cake for Christmas dinner. The chocolate on top was an accident but I thought it made it extra tasty! ✨ ☆彡 After-Christmas-Lush-sale which all smells amazing. Rabbit food at an old favourite with an old favourite.
Funny how we live in the same country but have to fly back to where we came from (got away from) to meet up. ☆彡 ♡ food + face ♡ Dessert. Point of view one. Dessert. Point of view two. {also try two} Dessert. Point of view halfway-through. ♡
☆彡 I soooooo love this dress and I will not apologise for it~ ☆彡 ☆彡 ♠︎♤⚓️ ( •ॢ◡-ॢ)
Oh hey look it's not a selfie. Result of shopping spree {some were presents} ✨ ♡ This is so cute!! The kids in the neighbourhood have been making cute mosaic tiles! I ♡ this one. ♡ Banana-maple syrup-cinnamon bagel. Don't mind if I do!!
Sometimes you meet people and you know that they will stick with you for many many many years. ♡ Missing these faces soooo much right now!! {worm in food, not so much.} Who loves photomaton? We do! ☆彡
Tasty tasty lunch during a day of shopping with my bestie, peeeerfect. Trying on stuff in the super mirror changing booth of Monki. Went for the one on the right. ( ˘ ³˘) Cutest little #robot #bathbomb ever!! ✨ I like to take photos in changing rooms cause it helps me decide. In this case the decision fell on right bottom corner. Thank you, H&M sale~ ☆彡 Best friends give the best care packages ♡
☆彡 ☆彡♡ Getting utterly lost in the clusterfuck that's Utrecht Centraal isn't so bad when you run into this. ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
snoodface Spent the last day of 2013 walking to my bestie who sold me vegan oliebollen and then also eating said oliebollen after she was done working.  I hate this fucking day so fucking much but small things made it better. 15 years of love ♡♡♡♡ no distance or bullshit can break us~ Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being the person to be ringing in the new year with. I know I'm a mess, I know I run away a lot, I know it makes us sad to be apart, I know most of that is my fault for leaving. I know it sucks we mostly tal

Wellllppp that’s it!! ♡ I hope you had a good Christmas and New Year! If you have instagram too, follow me if you want !! ♡


December 31

Hey, blog. Long time no see. I apologise in advance that this is a long read.

I figured at some point I would take the time to explain what has been happening with me. In case anybody cared… but mostly for myself. I used to write a diary when I was young, and then I used to write a virtual diary when I was a little older, and I would always take the time on this stupid day, to write something. Many people do. We like to reflect back on a year. What was good, what was bad, what do we want out of the shiny promise of a new year?

You write diaries so you can look back on things that happened later on, and that is exactly why I keep this blog. I started it in the new year, full of new promises and good intentions. “I will definitely be better at my blog in 2013!” I thought. I had already been preparing for a few weeks before really starting it, I was excited. Of course after a few weeks it still fell apart. I’ve never been good at keeping my blog the way I want to – so why would I think this year would be any different?! But, it’s my thing that I do and probably will keep doing just because I like it. Maybe 2014 will be better. Maybe not. Who knows.

2013 has been a really weird year. It started weird, because L and I were going through a thing. However, I thought we worked through the thing. I was doing much better in Nov-Dec 2012 than previous years, so I felt like we could handle the thing. I was also going to the student counseling and actually managed to feel a lot better by the time the second semester came around.

The end of the school year was actually fine. We had worked out the thing. That was the second time we almost broke up – but it gave us new life in a way. We worked harder at our relationship and felt really quite good by the end of the academic term. I went to the Netherlands and back to see my friends [and a baby!]. Slam Dunk is worth a mention just because I saw Andrew McMahon live FINALLY and it was beautiful.

Summer 2013 was pretty great. We went to London, saw Anti-Flag, I felt good about myself. Japan Expo with my friends was quite great, there were so many memorable moments again. Every year keeps being better than the last. Even if I felt really really stupid when I missed my train and had to buy a whole new ticket to avoid being stuck in Paris… the memories of that trip are still great. My twin-twin and I modeled in a fashion show together and had a great time being twins for the rest of the trip. One of my favourite things was being Mike & Sulley when we went to Disneyland for her birthday.

Frock On!, the big Lolita event in London, was also magical. I walked in two fashion shows and had the most amazing hairdo I’ve ever had in my life. There were so many friends, old and new, and I felt really really great being in such an amazing community!

After Frock On! I went to the Netherlands to visit a festival with my sister, this was really nice. However, it marked the end of the summer and soon after the magical island-getaway it was back to the academic year. I did start a new job, which has been great and still continues to be something I like doing.

Over summer, Lobster had moved into the 4-room student house I live in. I thought we were making a life for ourselves but in the time that I was going away to Paris, London and little islands, and by the time academia forced its routine on us, we got less into a life and more into a routine. It wasn’t the most healthy routine.

All my weekends were as good as filled with really awesome social events, all of which I would gladly share at some point [but since I have no free weekends, I wonder when that will happen ] and I didn’t really notice how unhealthy the routine was becoming.

It also started to get darker and darker, and then our relationship also ended. And by saying that it ended, I mean that I got dumped.

It wasn’t pretty. It happened over the course of a few very emotional and very confusing days, but it comes down to this: I was dumped over Facebook chat. And I only say that because I hope to paint a picture of how stupid things had become. Who breaks up with another person over chat? And not even via personal phones, but over Facebook? It continued over phone conversation, while I was in my friend’s kitchen, sitting on the floor crying after I’d spend a fun morning together with my friends taking photos in Lolita… Needless to say my day was ruined. And my week. And my month.

I don’t want to get into details because that is useless. It was done, it is still done. But this whole thing, it catapulted me into a state of mind I hadn’t had in a long time. Yes, I get real bad moods sometimes. Well, I can just say that in the last two months, I’ve been forced to really take care of those bad moods because I was so scared I was going to be beaten by them. It’s been a weird battle.

Luckily, I have a great network of supportive people surrounding me, and I’m grateful for that. When I opened up on December 9th, the date of my mother’s birthday, that I really wasn’t feeling well emotionally, I was really touched by all the sweet and supportive messages I received. Really, from the bottom of my heart: thank you for that.

December 31st

Right now I’m in the Netherlands, and my immediate family have all gone on holidays to different places in the world. I’ve spent today mostly inside, just taking it slow. Taking it easy. Rethinking things. Thinking of my mother and of a time when she wasn’t resting in a bookcase.

Which takes me to this day. December 31.

This day is a special day. But not just because it’s a holiday. For me this is not just a day to reflect on a year and whether it has been good or bad. It is the day my mother died. And every year it is another year since that happened. At this point in my life I have had more without-you-years than with-you-years. It’s sad. I would always write about how much I miss, what has happened, but mostly that I haven’t forgotten, and never will. December 31 is a stupid day.

In 1997, my grandmother was staying over at our house. My grandmother was Vietnamese and spent a few months a year in Vietnam, a few months in Paris, a few months traveling around. She would also spend quite some time in the rainy and cold weather of Rotterdam. Every day she would watch the weather and complain that in Vietnam, it was about three times as hot – in the shade!

Since I was the youngest and I had a bunk bed, my room also had another bed which was my grandmother’s when she came to stay with us. This year, she was even staying with us for New Year’s. In fact, this was the year that my French family all came to visit us in the Netherlands instead of us spending Christmas in France, like we had done for all of my life before that year. The reason was that my mother was in the hospital. The good news was that she wasn’t in the Intensive Care anymore. She had a nice room to herself. I remember that we went to visit on the 30th and I had said “Oh, you have such a good view up here, you’ll have a great view of the fireworks.” I mean, I was just turned ten years old. I think I was kinda jealous. Right now I’m just trying really hard not to think how hard that must have sucked to spend the holidays in a hospital in a room by yourself.

The morning of December 31st, my father woke both my grandmother and me up, and I don’t really remember much, but I remember that my grandmother was leaning against my bunkbed while she was crying. It had happened really early in the morning. I’ve been told she was sleeping and couldn’t have felt anything and it happened really fast. It was a blood clot in the brain. To be honest, I’ve forgotten the technical details because the outcome doesn’t change.

31st of December

This little calendar thing will forever be ‘stuck’ on December 31st.

Even if our little family has moved on in all sorts of ways. Even if we eventually come to terms with things. Even if we will enjoy life in other ways. December 31st will always suck.

In one of the years after 1997, I wrote in my diary how much I hated that the cheer started so early in the morning. I hated the fireworks. I hated that she wasn’t even allowed to enjoy the ‘amazing view’ from the stupid hospital – even if my ten year old self had tried to remedy that by making everyone have sparklers at the cremation.

Maybe I didn’t understand much when I was ten years old. Or eleven or twelve or thirteen or fourteen. But this year, I understand more about myself. I have spent a lot of time trying to hide things away because I didn’t know how to cope. I have spent a lot of time trying to run away from places that made me miserable and trying to move on from people who made me upset. But as I get older, I realise it doesn’t matter where you go; as long as you don’t work on yourself, you’ll never be happy. So, in a way it’s fitting that I have ended up alone by the end of this year, I’m being forced to make myself better. I’m working on it.

I’m not going to say that 2013 was amazing, or that it was horrible. It had ups, and it had downs. I’m not going to make any promises about 2014 because I feel very ambivalent about everything right now.

The only thing I really want to happen, is that I finish my degree and accomplish something without running away for once in my life.

Not much has changed in so many years, they still start the fireworks early in the morning, the little kids run around the streets, there’s too much noise, and I don’t like it.

I don’t like December 31, and I never will. No matter where I celebrate or who I celebrate with, there will always be a part of me that won’t understand. It’s unfair when people die, and it leaves a lot of scars. I’m working on myself, but those are scars I will always bear.


The phoenix on my side is my ode to my mother, the woman who gave me life and who I will always remember and continue to love. It’s been sixteen years, but not a day goes by that I am not changed by this, and not a day will come where I’m over it – but that is okay.

I have no idea what will happen in 2014 and right now I really don’t care, I don’t want to think about it. I just hope that I’ll get through my sadness and that people will understand. Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best in the new year.